she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
