I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
