i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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