No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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