this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
