i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
