Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
