i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
