I should be sponsored by Trojan
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
