We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
