Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
