Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
