he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
