So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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