I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize