New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
