So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
