She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
