The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
