her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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