im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
