I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
