WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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