At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
