she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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