she was so not down for the gang bang
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize