Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
