I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
