Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize