her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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