Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
