I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
