Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
