apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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