Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i've created a new STD.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
