I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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