He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
