Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
