dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
