he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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