My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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