I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
