I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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