Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize