no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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