Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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