btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
