I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize