Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
