we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
