I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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