I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
