dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
