I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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