My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
