I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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