If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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