You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
