I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
